


Operation: Destroy Springtime of Youth

by Happy_Ocelot



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, F/M, Post-Fourth Shinobi War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28853985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happy_Ocelot/pseuds/Happy_Ocelot
Summary: After the war, Tenten finds herself faced with the daunting task of preventing Lee's only son from becoming obsessed with youth, springtime, and green jumpsuits. It's a good thing that Neji is there to help her out. Even though he's dead.NejiTen and Team Guy crack one-shot.
Relationships: Hyuuga Neji & Metal Lee, Hyuuga Neji/Tenten, Maito Gai | Might Guy & Tenten, Metal Lee & Tenten, Rock Lee & Tenten
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	Operation: Destroy Springtime of Youth

**Author's Note:**

> Was feeling sad about Neji's death, but wanted to lighten things up with a Naruto SD type comedy thing, so here this is! My second NejiTen/Team Guy fic, so tell me what you think! :)

When Tenten saw Lee holding his newborn son lovingly in his arms, murmuring lullabies which suspiciously sounded as though they contained the words "springtime" and "youth," a jolt of alarm traveled down her spine.

When Guy-sensei burst into tears and wrapped Lee in a bone-crushing hug, her stomach boiled over with molten dread.

 _And_ when Lee gingerly unwrapped the poor child from the blanket in which he was tucked into, revealing a baby-sized green jumpsuit, Tenten couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm leaving now! Bye!"

She turned tail and ran right out of the room.

"Tenten, don't you want to hold Metal?" Lee called out worriedly. "Tenten, where are you…?"

"I, um…I have to go do something right now!" she bellowed over her shoulder. "I'll be back soon."

She ran and ran and _ran_ until she reached the comfort and safety of her blessed Ninja Tools Ten Ten Ten, slamming the door shut and sinking into her chair.

Why? Why? _Why?_

Weren't two green-obsessed youthful lunatics enough for this planet? Why were Guy-sensei and Lee trying to create a third one?

Metal was just a kid! A poor innocent kid. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be dressed in a green jumpsuit at the tender age of one day old.

Why? Why? _Why?_

Was there no justice or mercy in this world?

* * *

That night, Tenten fell into a fitful and restless sleep. Who could blame her? What she witnessed that morning was traumatizing.

And evidently, she wasn't the only person in Team Guy thinking along those lines: as she finally closed her eyes, her long-dead teammate appeared in front of her with a worried frown on his face.

"Neji?" she asked incredulously.

It _was_ him. Her partner in suffering. The only one she could turn to for comfort during all the times they had run three hundred laps around Konoha, during the rivalry contests between Guy-sensei and Kakashi-sensei, during the youthful training exercises that involved being tied together with rope and being forced to bunny-hop around Training Ground 3.

Hyuuga Neji, still wearing his favorite white long-sleeved kimono and gray sash as he used to in life. Still with his dark hair cascading over his shoulders. Still with that intense look in his white eyes. Still with that frown on his face, as he was wont to do when Guy-sensei and Lee had done something stupid.

A lump formed in Tenten's throat. She felt acutely aware of her own passing age, the new scars she had accumulated, and her increased height.

Neji didn't look a day over seventeen.

"Don't feel sad," Neji chided. Even after all these years, he could read her expressions with ease. "I'm perfectly all right, Tenten. I don't regret saving Hinata-sama and Naruto, and I'd do it a million times over."

"O…okay," Tenten mumbled, hastily wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. "Why are you here, Neji? How are you here? Isn't this a dream?"

"I don't know, honestly," Neji admitted, with a shrug. "But for whatever reason, I'm always getting summoned back whenever there's an emergency. A few days ago, it was Hinata-sama, a few years ago, it was Lee – "

"Wait a second!" she said. "That story that Lee told about the dumbbells…it was _true_?"

Neji winced. "I was _trying_ to give the idiot some advice on what to give to Hinata-sama and Naruto for their wedding."

"Oh my God."

"I didn't tell him to get dumbbells!" Neji defended, his ears red. "He came to that conclusion on his own!"

Tenten's shoulders slumped. "So, if you're only showing up during emergencies, then…"

Neji nodded grimly. "Tenten," he said, gripping her shoulders (what the hell; wasn't he incorporeal?). "Do you remember the bathroom incident when we were all genin?"

"I thought we agreed to never talk about that ever again!" Tenten yelled.

"But we have to. It's an emergency," said Neji. "You remember what happened because Guy-sensei and Lee got indigestion and couldn't take off their jumpsuits?"

" _Oh my God, Neji_. Please stop talking about it," Tenten said, shuddering. "I have nightmares about it even now."

"That's the thing." Neji fixed her with a burning look. "Lee's new son, Metal…you saw what his foolish father had dressed him in, right? Do you want a repeat of that bathroom incident with this poor child?"

Tenten just stared at Neji, aghast, then shook her head from side to side.

"Then you agree that we have to take drastic measures, right?" he asked.

"Yes," she said firmly.

"Good. We must commence Operation: Destroy Springtime of Youth tomorrow. Tenten, I'm…well, dead, so you're the only one who can carry this out. Listen carefully."

And listen she did.

Tenten was going to save Metal Lee from a life of absolute lunacy. It would only be a life of partial lunacy.

She was the only one who could.

The next morning, she got up at the crack of dawn, barged into Lee's house, and forced him to get jumpsuits that had zippers.

And then she sang Metal a lullaby that did not contain any references to springtime or youthfulness.

Progress, one step at a time. Konoha wasn't built in a day, after all.

* * *

"Tenten oba-san, I picked these for you," said a small boy with shiny bowl cut black hair. "Papa says that you love sunflowers."

Tenten smiled at the way Metal waddled up to her, wrapped his arms around her waist, and shyly peered up at her with adorable eyes.

Damn it. Metal was one cute kid. He squealed as Tenten hefted him up and settled him on the countertop.

"Thank you very much, Metal," she said, patting his head. Metal basked under the attention and glowed with delight when she gently pried the flowers from his hand and put them into her vase.

"You like them?"

"Yes, indeed," Tenten said, staring out the window, hoping in vain for any customers to show up.

"Whatcha looking at, oba-san?" asked Metal, following her gaze out into the busy street, flooded with people going to every shop except hers.

"Oh, nothing," she muttered, idly twirling a sunflower stalk. "Some customers would be nice, that's all…"

Metal froze up. "You don't get custo…custo…?"

"People don't come into my weapons shop that much," explained Tenten. "Weapons are only popular during war, not peace."

"But…but…" Metal's lower lip wobbled.

Oh no.

"It's all right for me," Tenten said hastily. "I still make money from my missions, so I'm not starving or anything."

"But your weapons are totally cool, oba-san!" the adorable jumpsuit-wearing child blurted out. "I like that katana on the wall, and that rope thing over there…"

"The Kokinjo."

"Right, the Kokinjo!" Metal stared at her with a spark of something very, very _troubling_. "You have all these cool things, but no one cares!"

Those sparks? They were full-blown flames right now. Alarm bells were going off in Tenten's head.

 _This is bad, this is bad, this is bad,_ she muttered over and over again in her mind.

It was a typical expression on Guy-sensei and Lee's faces. An expression that spelled disaster for herself and Neji, back in the old days.

 _"I thought you'd weaned Metal off the springtime of youth!"_ a voice that sounded far too similar to Neji's yelled. Where the hell did he come from? How did he know it was an emergency?

 _"I did!"_ Tenten yelled right back as Neji materialized in her mind. " _I forced Lee to get jumpsuits with zippers, I gave him access to lullabies that had nothing to do with the springtime of youth, I stopped him from getting into an eating contest with Boruto two months ago, I didn't let him run three hundred laps around Konoha last week!"_

 _"You clearly missed something, because what the hell is going on with Lee's kid?"_ Neji asked. _"He's running around Konoha, yelling to everyone to visit his Tenten oba-san's youthful store!"_

_"Huh?"_

Tenten was so caught up in her argument with the ghostly Neji that she failed to pay attention to what was happening in real time. She took a look around her shop and blanched.

Sage of Six Paths help her.

Metal was gone. He'd rushed out of her store to who knew where. Was his youthfulness coming out of dormancy?

Within half an hour, Ninja Tools Ten Ten Ten was drowned in an avalanche of customers.

She made a killing that afternoon, raking in more ryo in one day than she would usually get all month, all because of one lunatic ninja child obsessed with the springtime of youth.

* * *

"Maybe we're approaching this the wrong way," Tenten argued in her dream that night. "Maybe youthfulness is good…"

Neji shot her a scandalized look. "Bathroom incident when we were genin."

"Youthfulness is good…in moderation! He made me tons of money today!"

"Guy-sensei forcing me to get into an eating contest with Naruto."

"I stopped him from doing that with Boruto," protested Tenten.

"I'm happy that you saved my nephew as well, but look at the facts, Tenten," said Neji. "What will you do when Metal gets a genin team and he subjects his poor teammates to some youthful horror? You won't be there to help him then."

"He'll have a jounin-sensei," Tenten said.

"What if the jounin-sensei is another weirdo?" Neji shot back.

That was…a good point. What _if_ the jounin-sensei was another weirdo?

But…the money…the money she made…it was _good_ money, damn it.

And Metal wasn't _as_ youthful as Lee…she hoped. She _hoped_.

Neji sighed. "Fine." He crossed his arms across his chest. "I'll be showing up when there's an emergency anyway, whether I like it or not. At that time, I guess I'll say, 'I told you so.'"

With that, Tenten woke up from her dream argument with a start.

* * *

That time came far too quickly for Tenten's liking.

Unfortunately, only a few years into the future.

An incident involving youthful food poisoning.

How it came to this, Tenten could never figure out. Guy-sensei, Lee, and Metal were all planning on going on a youthful camping trip. They'd all but begged Tenten to come too, but she took one look at the neon green camping tent, the neon green backpacks, the neon green jumpsuits, and the neon green food pills (yeah, Tenten had no idea that they came in that color either) and she said no.

"Tenten oba-san, please!" Metal pleaded, clinging to her like she was a lifeline.

Tenten glanced away towards the ground because she could never deny Metal anything when he affixed her with those pouty eyes.

"No means no, Metal. Sorry." She ruffled his hair consolingly, cringing internally as she heard him sniffle. "Oba-san has to mind the shop." She needed to do absolutely no such thing. It was a weekend and there wouldn't be anyone coming into her shop on weekends…or weekdays either.

Guy-sensei turned _his_ pouty eyes on her. That was scary, coming from an older man. It should have been illegal for men in their forties to make pouty faces.

"Kakashi!" he yelled, turning to his most disinterested rival, who was currently engrossed in an Icha Icha novel. "Tell Tenten that it's most unyouthful of her to not show up on a camping trip when even the Rokudaime is free over the weekend."

Silence. Kakashi just stared avidly at a certain page of the novel, describing certain ramen-themed characters' graphic romance in far too much detail. He finally looked up when he realized that everyone was staring at him.

"I'm sorry, Guy, what were you saying?" he asked with a crinkled smile. "It's just that Icha Icha gets even better and better whenever you reread it."

"Fine, fine, whatever, I'll come," she muttered, latching the weapons shop door shut. "But you owe me money for this, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi conveniently developed a striking interest in the Icha Icha book once again.

* * *

"And there once was a youthful woman, there once was a youthful woman…" Guy and Lee yelled at the top of their lungs.

"Metal, sing along!" Lee encouraged.

"There once was a youthful woman…" Metal mumbled, his heart not in the campfire sing-along at all. He poked gloomily at the fire with a stick, looking a distinct queasy green.

Tenten's heart went out to the poor kid. She was feeling queasy too. Another, less experienced person not familiar with the inner workings of Team Guy might have assumed that it was because Tenten hated the youthful campfire songs. That was true, but Tenten was long since inured to it, having suffered through innumerable such songs over the long, long years. Something mild like this was not enough to make her stomach turn.

No, she was literally feeling queasy. As in, she ate something bad and didn't feel well. Maybe it was because she ate too much yesterday, but…it seemed that Kakashi-sensei felt the same way, because he muttered something about "not feeling well" and that he needed to go back into the tent to lie down.

Tenten stared at the fish that was slowly roasting over the fire. It looked suspiciously like…but no, those didn't even grow very close to Konoha, did they…?

Even if they did, Guy-sensei wouldn't be stupid enough to actually cook them without supervision, would he?

"Guy-sensei, what kind of fish did you catch from that stream?" Tenten asked.

He shot her a big grin. How he wasn't queasy too, Tenten would find out very fast. "I'm glad you asked, Tenten! These are rare fugu that only grow in this tiny corner of the Land of Fire! To test my youthfulness, I decided to cook these delicious fish all by myself!"

 _No._ He did _not_. That was what Tenten desperately wanted to – tried to – believe. But Guy-sensei's happy smile that caused temporary blindness shot down her hopes.

"Guy-sensei, fugu are POISONOUS!" she bellowed. "You aren't allowed to cook them by yourself! It's illegal!"

"Nonsense, Tenten! I'm a perfectly capable fugu cook!" Guy-sensei took a thin strip of paper out of his jumpsuit pocket. His jumpsuit had _pockets_ now? "Right here is my official license to prepare fugu, stamped by Kakashi himself!"

Tenten snatched the paper out of Guy-sensei's hands and stared at it, wild-eyed.

Damn it. Stamped neatly on the left-hand corner was the seal of the Rokudaime Hokage.

_This was not good._

She was going to die. Guy-sensei's youthfulness was going to kill her. And everyone else.

The world was turning black and spinning.

"Tenten?" Kakashi-sensei's masked face was peering above her in concern. "Are you okay? Do you want to lie down?"

Neji was right all along. She should have listened to him back then.

Tenten fainted.

* * *

She woke up to find four worried faces staring down at her. Tenten tried to move her arms, only to realize that she was bundled up in a sleeping bag inside the tent.

Why…why did everyone seem okay? Weren't they all sick? Shouldn't they have all died of fugu poisoning by now?

"You gave us all a big shock there," Kakashi-sensei said. "Although, I guess the prank worked."

"Prank? Worked?" Tenten's head was spinning.

Why was everyone grinning at her?

"Kakashi, I must admit defeat this time. Our rivalry score is now 51-49." Guy-sensei clenched his fist. "But Tenten, we must work together to improve your youthful reactions to unexpected events! Then next time, I'll win for sure!"

Tenten bolted upright. "You mean…this…was all a prank? That wasn't actually fugu?"

Kakashi-sensei beamed down at her. His eye-smile seemed unbearably irritating all of a sudden. "It was all part of the bet that we've been having for a week. I predicted that you'd snap and do something drastic if Guy said that he'd done something stupidly dangerous. Guy said that you were extremely youthful and would 'accept the situation with aplomb.' Anyway, I get four hundred ryo."

Those puppy-dog eyes, those pouty faces, the campfire sing-alongs about youthful women. It was all a ploy.

At that point, Tenten did snap.

All of the worrying over Metal's childhood, her fondest hopes that he would not become a green youth-obsessed lunatic, her tender efforts to ensure that his life would only be one of partial lunacy and not complete lunacy. Even the lenience in her world-saving efforts after she realized that he brought in all that good money for her on that day. It was all for nothing.

The little punk was in on the prank to embarrass his oba-san. He knew all along about the fake fugu license, and he was fine with it. He was a lost cause already. She should have seen it coming a long time ago. There was no such thing as "youthfulness in moderation." Once you were in, there was no going back. Only an endless abyss awaited. Tenten was stupid to believe otherwise. And Metal proved her absolutely, one hundred percent correct with his next words.

"Hokage-sama, do you think I'll get a rival one day too? Someone I can have fugu eating contests with?" Metal asked. Those frightening flames that she'd first seen on that fateful day back in her shop were back, back with full-force.

To hell with everything. The green spandex-wearing springtime people weren't the only ones who could be "youthful."

They wanted youth? _They would get youth._

Yeah, Tenten _snapped._

"HEAVENLY CHAIN DISASTER."

* * *

Right on cue that night, her partner in suffering appeared in her head.

_"I told you so."_

Anyone else might have claimed that Neji was wearing a very smug expression, but Tenten knew better. She'd told him "I told you so" quite a few times herself, whenever he'd had a tiny sprig of hope that maybe one day, they wouldn't have to run three hundred laps around Konoha, that maybe the rivalry contests between Guy-sensei and Kakashi-sensei would come to an end, that maybe the youthful training exercises that involved being tied together with rope and being forced to bunny-hop around Training Ground 3 would somehow, miraculously just stop.

Fools. They were all fools.

Tenten met his eyes with a youthful fire of her own.

Operation: Destroy Springtime of Youth was back in action.

Tenten would succeed at all costs. She would out-youth them.

Only two people in the world were more youthful than Guy and Lee.

They wouldn't know what hit them.


End file.
